I decided to start blogging because I need an outlet for my feelings. I used to keep a journal, but writing for any period of time hurts my hand. This damn M.S. has even screwed up my handwriting!
I don't know why I can't let this wound heal. It's ugly, it hurts but I can't stop picking at it and not letting it heal. Maybe it's because it's a reflection of how I feel on the inside. I feel ugly, I hurt all the time and feel like an open wound. You'd think after going to the ER because it got infected would have stopped me, but no. I know that I could get a staph infection, but I still don't quit. My mom and best friend ask me if I want to lose my leg and of course I don't!! Rationally I know what I am doing is wrong and should quit and let it heal, but next thing you know I am digging my fingernails into it and watching it bleed. God let me stop!
I hate my so called life. All I want to do is sleep. I am angry at this disease and I want to walk again! Being in this wheelchair is driving me nuts. I keep thinking that my first neurologist screwed up and by the time he diagnosed me, I was secondary progresive. Thanks alot doc, now I can't walk because you screwed up! How did this happen to me? No one else in my family has this. Lucky me I guess. My knees are getting weaker and I'm scared that I am progressing. Standing up is getting really hard. If I didn't think I would burn in hell, I would kill myself. I wish I could got two days without touching my leg. I am going to try starting this morning. I am now challenging myself. Let's see if I can do it.
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