UnFUCKINGbelievable!

That's the word my brother used when I told him what MaryBeth did with Grandma's rings. I think it's the perfect word. I am so mad that that bitch got the rings that were supposed to go to me! She had no right to those! Grandma's probably turning in her grave that her rings went to that bitch.

Mike and Deb left this morning at 5am. It seems so quiet now. It was so nice to have them here for Christmas. Mom's sleeping and it's 11pm. I'll have to wake her up before midnight. Don't want to be sitting in front of the tv alone when it turns midnight. I hope 2007 will be a lucky year. Praying for a cure this year. Didn't happen in 2006, so let's hope it happens this year.

What was I thinking?

I was an idiot for rejoining Match.com after the 3 day trial. I should have stayed with my first instinct. I joined because a guy in a wheelchair wrote me and I had to join to respond. Then I get an email from him tonight and he made me feel bad because I have to take Dial a Ride. Now I'm pissed at him and myself. I'm in a lot of pain, so popped a Darvocet. I've already got off track with my shots. It's been 4 days and I haven't done it. I've been mad at Mom because she's doing stupid shit with these sweepstakes scams. I had to call the FBI, Attorney General's office and the bank to stop her from sending the $4700 to Canada which was a fraudulant check. It's so aggravating that she won't take me at my word. She underestimates me and my intelligence. Ever since I was with Kevin and would listen to him, she thinks I'm stupid.
I just had that guy call me from Match.com (Ron) and we visited for a bit. Not sure it's gonna work out. He's not really my type. Maybe we can be friends.

To date or not to date

I went ahead and joined match.com for 3 months cuz I figured, what the heck. A guy emailed me that is also in a wheelchair. He's not my physical type that I would normally look at, but we'll see. Mom helped me to get my bedroom cleaned up for Sean to stay in while he's here. My work room is as about as clean as it's going to get. Now I just wish Mom would get her ass moving on her bedroom again. She's putting it off to the last minute and it's driving me crazy! I've got a sinus headache right now, so having to rest my eyes off and on. I think Michelle is blowing me off, so screw it. Not worth the effort if she won't meet me halfway. I think I give up on trying to get ahold of Lori on the weekends. The only place I can catch her is at work and I hate calling someone at work. I wanted to send her something from Yankee Candle for xmas, but I am getting tapped out with doing all this shopping for Mike, Debbie and Sean. I hope the visit goes well, with my living habits and all. I'm not used to someone seeing how I live and working around it. Man my head hurts! I'll have to write later when my eyes aren't bothering me.

Christmas Tree

I put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. The balls I was going to use from previous years were all cracked from being out in the heat of the storage room. Then the lights I just bought at Target didn't go with anything, so I started from scratch. Got some ornaments from my work room and some poinsetttias and used the gold beads and and snowflakes I had. Then I had bought some gold ornaments from Target and it turned out great.

Thanksgiving

Well I made my first turkey ever and it turned out great! I did it in the rotisserie and it was so moist. I took pictures of it with my digital camera, LOL. Like a proud mama. I was so excited today to try it and then so glad it turned out. Yay me!

Outta Control

Mom brought home some Pepperidge Farm chocolate chip cookies yesterday from one of her clients and I finished off the bag this morning. I know she's going to ask where the bag is and then give me that look. She knows how I am, if it's in the house I'm going to eat it. I have no self control when it comes to sweets! She shouldn't bring that stuff in the house when I'm trying to lose weight!

I balled when I watched General Hospital yesterday. Laura slipped back into her zombie state and she said goodbye to her kids and Luke. It was so sad and mom didn't even well up in her eyes. I told her she was a cold fish, ha ha. It's funny how you start crying over one thing and then it becomes something else you are crying over. I've just been feeling sad lately and can't shake it. I was so happy two weekends ago when Lori and Wayne surprised me by showing up here. I think I hugged the snot out of her! I wish they lived here!

Well I woke up early and need to go back to sleep. Hope my turkey turns out okay since it's Thanksgiving.

Oh well...

Just as well that Michelle didn't want to read my blog, cuz she pissed me off. I'm so tired of women putting men first and blowing off their friends. Reminds me of when I was with Kevin and he wouldn't let me have friends. That's just screwed! Guess I got my answer, I told God that if I didn't hear from Michelle this past week about the car, that I shouldn't sell it. I'm worried about Mom again because she was having pain from her back all the way thru to the front. She said she's had it all week, but it was really bad last night. Hope that's not a sign of a heart attack! She just keeps getting one thing after another. First the kidney stones, then the aneurysms and now this. I got my Susan Lucci face exfoliater thingy. Hope it helps my skin.

I keep having pain in my lower right abdomen. I keep imagining the worst. I think I am going to go lay back down for awhile. May write more later.

Been Forever, I Know

Man, where do I start? I have been struggling with depression and worry lately. Afraid if I catch a cold, that I'll end up bedridden. I think I'm ready to sell my car, but not sure. Not sure how I'll handle it if it's not in the driveway anymore. Accepting that I may not drive again is killing me. I cried so hard Sunday that I just wailed. MS has taken away so much that was a part of me, that I don't like what's left. Damn this disease! Everything that I enjoyed doing in life is gone, so what's the point in living? I am a shell of a human just getting by day to day. Is that really living? If the definition of living is breathing in and out, then I guess I'm alive. God I hate my life!! When Mom is gone, I'll have no one. That scares the shit out of me! My eyes are tearing up as I type this. I'll write more later.

I'm still around

I know I haven't written in awhile. Been sleeping a lot again. About a week ago I had a 24 hour thing where my legs wouldn't hold me. Scared the shit out of me! The firemen had to come twice to get me off the floor. Had another caregiver come while mom was having her CTscan. She said she was psychic and could see me walking again, but I would have to lose weight first. I bought the Nutrisystem stuff but it tastes like crap so gonna send it back. Will have to do my own thing as far as getting low cal meals from the store.

Can't remember if I wrote that mom has two aneurisms or not. One is in a bad spot and wouldn't be easy to operate on. Still waiting to hear from her neurosurgeon about what this last test showed.

I'll write more later because I am tired right now and my eyes are blurry.

Stressed

Mom has an appointment with a neurosurgeon because she has a one centimeter aneurism in the brain. The doctors aren't rushing her tests, so I guess that is a good sign that it's not that serious.

I finished school and got an A- in the one class and probably will in the other. She hasn't posted the grade yet. Looking at Rio Solado's book to see if there is anything I want to take. Would like to take psychology again.

Dad is pushing it with me again. We've been getting along so great but the last two phone calls, he has told me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I hate that!! I may stop calling him if that's what he's going to do.

I bought some vitamins from Trivita and hope they help my MS and the fatigue. Bought a rotisserie from Ronco and got it set up yesterday. Now I just need to watch the video on it. Well gonna go potty and watch tv and see if these vitamins keep me awake. (crossing my fingers)

Worried

Mom had to go for a CAT scan yesterday because all of a sudden her left knee isn't supporting her. They are checking to see if she had a mini stroke. When she got home today, she said that she was having a hard time writing. I'm scared. I called Mike to let him know, plus I needed to tell someone. It's so hard seeing your mother get older and go through major health problems. She aggravates the crap out of me sometimes, but I love her and am not ready to lose her. Hopefully they will have the test results tomorrow morning.

I called school and told them that I wanted to quit. I'll finish these two classes and then that's it. Damien really screwed up when he told me school would cost me $6000 after finishing my Associates degree. It's actually over $15,000.

Think I'm Going to Quit

I can't stand this teacher in COM110. She's a total hardass and after reading her review of my paper, I am seriously thinking of dropping out. I busted my ass working all weekend on that paper and she says "I still have a lot of work to do"? WTF!! The paper I just reviewed totally sucked and almost put me to sleep. What the hell was I thinking when I thought of going to school? Son of a bitch!!!!!

By the way, I never had a staph infection, the stupid doctors messed up. Gee, what a surprise. (rolling eyes)

Halfway There

Can't believe I am halfway through school. Will be going into week 6 on Monday. The thing I hate if I continue on is that I will have to take math. Yuck! That was and still is my worst subject. I'll have to have my rough draft of my paper ready by the end of next week! I'm proud I made it this far when I was considering dropping out the first week.

Donna Zannoni, now Costin, wrote me this week and her older sister Joann just got diagnosed with MS. I talked to Donna in the early afternoon and then talked to Joann last night. Boy, she's a house of fire! LOL I thought I was fiesty, this girl has me beat. They are 99% sure she has MS, but Dr. Vollmer wants her to have a spinal tap. I told her that she doesn't need one and that her MRI's alone show she has it. He wants her to go on Avonex, which I find funny since he took me off of it and told me it's the weakest of all the drugs. Whassup with that? I used to trust Dr. Vollmer, but now I'm not sure I can. Sounds like he's getting led around by the nose by the drug companies. That's a shame.

Well, I'm starving right now so gonna go raid the fridge.

AAAAARRRRGGGGHH!

I ended up getting a staph infection in my leg. They are trying me on a second antibiotic to see if it works. I pray that I don't get a yeast infection! The Cipro made me have dry heaves and nausea and now I'm on Keflex. The one I was on the last time I had an infection in my leg. I can't touch it anymore! That's it and that's all there is to it.

School is making me crazy some days. There's so much to remember and feels like the homework is constant. Some days I enjoy the challenge and others I wish I hadn't started this. This term paper has me freaked out. I hope I do okay. Well time to get my foot up. Goodnight.

Getting Overwhelmed

I am starting to freak out already. The first week of class has been okay, but nerve wracking as I'm trying to make sure I get everything posted where I need to and doing the assignments. This next week is the start of the ball busting. This term paper is going to be the death of me. All the strict guidelines, I just don't see how I can focus. I'm thinking about dropping out already. I need to see what I will owe if I do. Damn it! I should have never taken this on!

Goin Back To School

The old girl is going back to school after all these years. I'm scared because it's all done online and I hope I can maneuver around okay. Plus just figuring out what the assignments are by looking at a syllabus. Totally new to me. I'm used to going to a classroom and taking notes and having a teacher standing in front of me. At least they can't throw a pop quiz....lol. At least I don't think so. Oh man. Well, I got to get ready to go and get my haircut. Plus I'm starving. Ciao!

Started my shots again

I started doing my betaseron shots the other night. Figured I might as well. So much has happened this past week. I'm not sure I will be able to go to online college because of the amount of the loan that I will need to pay back. It's only $6000, but that's a lot to me even if I have 10 years to pay it back.

Then I'm thinking about suing the urologist's office for not doing the cystocopy like we had agreed. I was supposed to go Monday, but had to cancel and then they hassled me about not helping me with the procedure. They don't want their nurses to get hurt.(???) WTF! Finally yesterday they said I would have to have it done under general anesthesia in a hospital and that's not what we agreed on. Bastards!

Blog,blog, blog

Well we finally got the new air conditioner/heater installed today. Smells like celery when it runs since it's new. I've been shopping like crazy lately. Nothing new there I guess. Just ordered Philosophy's skin care line. Hope it works to help the eczema. I hate being tired all the time. Feels like all I do is sleep and get on the computer.

Just thinking

Kathy has been on my mind today. She's the third person from my old aol MS chat room that has died. Makes me wonder what age I'll be when I die if they don't find a cure. My ankle is finally healing so I can go back to PT. I struggle with my decision to stop doing my betaseron shots. Should I or shouldn't I? I'm just so tired of the whole thing that I have lost faith. I was going to play some games on Pogo, but the site is down. Usually they shut it down Monday night, so was surprised to see it not up tonight. I watched the "American Idol" auditions tonight. They are always fun to watch. Glad it's back on. Well I'm tired and gonna go lay down and watch tv. Will write more later.

Another MS friend died

I logged on a little bit ago and got an email from a lady that sends info on MS to me. She was one that I used to chat with in an MS room on AOL, but now I am on MSN. She forwarded an email from a friend's husband notifying us that she (his wife Kathy) died in her sleep from some heart problem like a clot. I guess she was bedridden and in a wheelchair. She had no previous heart condition. It scares me because I am in a wheelchair and sleep a lot. "They" say that MS doesn't kill you, but I disagree. I started crying because I made her a couple of floral arrangements and we used to talk a lot on AOL. That makes two internet friends dead from MS.

I am so stressed!!

I was sleeping a little bit ago, but woke up and am all stressed out again. I have too many fucking doctors appointments this month! I called and cancelled Holly this morning, but still had to reschedule her for this month. Damn it! I may reschedule something. I am so wound up right now. Guess I should pop an extra Klonopin to calm down. I hate my so called life! All I do is sleep or get on the computer or buy stuff. I am just spinning out of control. I want my old life back! I want to be able to walk and to drive. This isn't fair!!

Ebay buyer from hell!

I rarely sell anything on Ebay, but when I do it seems I get buyers from hell. I have a lady that complained to Paypal about the ring I listed because she's wanting the ring for free. Tried working with her, but finally she went to Paypal. I called them and it sounds like it will either get dropped or she will have to send the ring back at HER expense. Stupid bitch! She harrassed me to no end during the holidays and finally told her to stop. I hope Paypal just closes the case.

Finally got everything downloaded from PCcrafter. Took me four days. Think I have everything installed now. Hope this new antivirus/firewall works better than Norton!