One more thing to deal with!

Son of a bitch! I finally went to the urologist today and thought I would just go to see about medication for the bladder problems and they found blood in my urine. He did a procedure in the office to check things out and my legs started to spasm. He had to stop because he couldn't look around as much as he needed to and I'm now scheduled for a CAT scan. Then I don't know if he looks at the films before doing outpatient surgery or not. I'm not happy about that. He used a catheter today and it hurts bad when I pee. I really don't want to go to the hospital if I don't have to. I hate IV's!!! Wish they could knock me out to do them. I always come close to passing out when they do them. I know I sound like a baby, but I don't care. I took a pain pill to see if that would help me pee. It stings like a son of a bitch! I hate doctors, hate them, hate them, hate them! Life's a bitch and then you die. I seriously need to go back to counseling.

Challenge blown already

Wasn't even a half hour after I signed off last night that I picked at my leg. Not only once, but twice. I'm embarrassed to call Paul back at Oasis and tell him why I haven't been back to PT. I need to be going because my legs are getting weaker. Probably from sleeping all the time. I have to go to the urologist Tuesday and if he wants me to have that urodynamics test done, I'm not doing it. I hope he can just give me some medication to help with the problems. God I hate doctors!

The weather has turned cold really fast! The heat keeps kicking on tonight. It's 3:45 am and I can't sleep as usual. Fuck I wish things would straighten up for me. My mind keeps racing and I wish I could just sleep at night like normal people.

I haven't heard from Lori lately. Guess she's busy training new people. I leave messages but she doesn't call back. I need to get out and do something besides going to doctor's appointments. I am bored and spending money online like a fiend. I'm just so unhappy.

Pissed off

I can't believe that I didn't sell more than one thing at the craft show. People are so f-ing cheap. Guess people don't appreciate quality anymore. I want my floral business to be a success, but it's taking forever. I wish I had the money to really make this a success. My pain pill is making me tired. It's 2:30am, guess I should go back to sleep.

Can't Stop Hurting Myself

I decided to start blogging because I need an outlet for my feelings. I used to keep a journal, but writing for any period of time hurts my hand. This damn M.S. has even screwed up my handwriting!

I don't know why I can't let this wound heal. It's ugly, it hurts but I can't stop picking at it and not letting it heal. Maybe it's because it's a reflection of how I feel on the inside. I feel ugly, I hurt all the time and feel like an open wound. You'd think after going to the ER because it got infected would have stopped me, but no. I know that I could get a staph infection, but I still don't quit. My mom and best friend ask me if I want to lose my leg and of course I don't!! Rationally I know what I am doing is wrong and should quit and let it heal, but next thing you know I am digging my fingernails into it and watching it bleed. God let me stop!

I hate my so called life. All I want to do is sleep. I am angry at this disease and I want to walk again! Being in this wheelchair is driving me nuts. I keep thinking that my first neurologist screwed up and by the time he diagnosed me, I was secondary progresive. Thanks alot doc, now I can't walk because you screwed up! How did this happen to me? No one else in my family has this. Lucky me I guess. My knees are getting weaker and I'm scared that I am progressing. Standing up is getting really hard. If I didn't think I would burn in hell, I would kill myself. I wish I could got two days without touching my leg. I am going to try starting this morning. I am now challenging myself. Let's see if I can do it.