My Worst Nightmare

I've been working on restoring my computer since last Thursday. Guess I had a computer virus for a year and it finally took over. Am still trying to reinstall everything. Cary came over last night and we visited more than anything. I knew I didn't really need any help installing the virus protection. Don't think he realized how much I do know about computers. Now I'm paranoid about downloading pictures since the virus came from a picture.

Got the creepin crud

I feel like crap! I'm coughing my head off and blowing my nose and all congested. I hear it's going around. Don't know how I got it since I'm always at home. Hope it doesn't go into pneumonia!! I got my packages today. I got my southwestern necklace and wrap and my Yankee candle order. Still haven't gotten Lori's box yet. I finally got some sleep this evening. Didn't know if I was going to stop coughing long enough to rest, but finally did. I hate being sick! Arggghhh! My CAT scan came back okay, so now I guess I got to go back and have that test done again. If nothing shows there, wonder what's next? Maybe a gastro doc. Guess they'll keep working their way up or as far as I will let them anyway. I've been working with my new web template and almost have my new website done. Cool, ay?

It's over with...so far

I got through the CAT scan. Didn't faint, but felt sick and then had to go to the bathroom after they put in the IV. I hope this shows what's wrong and doesn't require surgery! I hope it's something simple.

I called Bobby about 3 hours ago and he said he'd call me back in a minute. Haha. I turned off my cell phone so he doesn't call at 4 am again. I've been taking Advil for the pain in my hand from the needle, but earlier I went down trying to get in my w/c. Think I was weak from not eating. The firemen got to see me in my underwear. Poor guys. Been bad and have been picking at my leg the last two days. It's really sore and I better quit it. I know that in my mind, but something takes over (probably nerves) and I pick at it.

I'm gonna go play some games on Pogo and go lay back down.
Goodnight.

Getting Nervous

Countdown to my CAT scan. Just want to get this over with. I have been sleeping so much for days now. Put the decorations on the Xmas tree last night. Looks really pretty. It's been years since we have had a tree in the house. Just didn't feel like fooling with it anymore. Retail kinda burns you out on the holidays. I think it's been 12 years since I had a tree up. Man I still have a sinus headache. Just dull enough to annoy you. Been blowing my nose like crazy. Watched America's Next Top Model and Nik didn't win. Was hoping she would get it. I'll probably watch the soaps early this morning since I slept thru them tonight. Oh my friggin head!

Want to get this over with!

I swear since they told me I have blood in my urine, that I feel sicker. If I get a pain in my stomach, I panic now. Here I went there to get meds to help my bladder issues and doesn't sound like there is anything he can give me since I have opposite symptoms. Any med I take for one will aggravate the other. I hope the IV thing won't be bad this time. Hope they get someone who is good and fast. I always come close to passing out when they start sticking me with the needle trying to find a viable vein. Makes it bad that my veins are few and are difficult. The one that always got used finally got so much scar tissue that they can't use it anymore. I have a headache. Not sure if it's from having the fan on or from sleeping too much today. My eyes even hurt again. I played Pogo the other night and my eyes finally got so blurry that I couldn't see straight.
Think I must be going through a second childhood. I now have four Bratz dolls and they are so cool! Much cooler than Barbie.

Late Nite Blogger

Here I am, the late night blogger...lol. Slept all day again and I'm still tired. The upcoming tests are on my mind and keeping me wound up. I saw that Joe Trammel had answered my comment on his board. Wonder why he won't email me? Maybe I'm not someone he wants to talk to now that he's the "man of a 1000 faces". He's too big to talk to his old school friends. Screw it if he's gonna be that way. People these days are too busy to take 5 minutes out and say hello. It's sad. I hope the CAT scan will be the end of it and I won't have to have the outpatient procedure. I REALLY don't want to do either.

One more thing to deal with!

Son of a bitch! I finally went to the urologist today and thought I would just go to see about medication for the bladder problems and they found blood in my urine. He did a procedure in the office to check things out and my legs started to spasm. He had to stop because he couldn't look around as much as he needed to and I'm now scheduled for a CAT scan. Then I don't know if he looks at the films before doing outpatient surgery or not. I'm not happy about that. He used a catheter today and it hurts bad when I pee. I really don't want to go to the hospital if I don't have to. I hate IV's!!! Wish they could knock me out to do them. I always come close to passing out when they do them. I know I sound like a baby, but I don't care. I took a pain pill to see if that would help me pee. It stings like a son of a bitch! I hate doctors, hate them, hate them, hate them! Life's a bitch and then you die. I seriously need to go back to counseling.

Challenge blown already

Wasn't even a half hour after I signed off last night that I picked at my leg. Not only once, but twice. I'm embarrassed to call Paul back at Oasis and tell him why I haven't been back to PT. I need to be going because my legs are getting weaker. Probably from sleeping all the time. I have to go to the urologist Tuesday and if he wants me to have that urodynamics test done, I'm not doing it. I hope he can just give me some medication to help with the problems. God I hate doctors!

The weather has turned cold really fast! The heat keeps kicking on tonight. It's 3:45 am and I can't sleep as usual. Fuck I wish things would straighten up for me. My mind keeps racing and I wish I could just sleep at night like normal people.

I haven't heard from Lori lately. Guess she's busy training new people. I leave messages but she doesn't call back. I need to get out and do something besides going to doctor's appointments. I am bored and spending money online like a fiend. I'm just so unhappy.

Pissed off

I can't believe that I didn't sell more than one thing at the craft show. People are so f-ing cheap. Guess people don't appreciate quality anymore. I want my floral business to be a success, but it's taking forever. I wish I had the money to really make this a success. My pain pill is making me tired. It's 2:30am, guess I should go back to sleep.

Can't Stop Hurting Myself

I decided to start blogging because I need an outlet for my feelings. I used to keep a journal, but writing for any period of time hurts my hand. This damn M.S. has even screwed up my handwriting!

I don't know why I can't let this wound heal. It's ugly, it hurts but I can't stop picking at it and not letting it heal. Maybe it's because it's a reflection of how I feel on the inside. I feel ugly, I hurt all the time and feel like an open wound. You'd think after going to the ER because it got infected would have stopped me, but no. I know that I could get a staph infection, but I still don't quit. My mom and best friend ask me if I want to lose my leg and of course I don't!! Rationally I know what I am doing is wrong and should quit and let it heal, but next thing you know I am digging my fingernails into it and watching it bleed. God let me stop!

I hate my so called life. All I want to do is sleep. I am angry at this disease and I want to walk again! Being in this wheelchair is driving me nuts. I keep thinking that my first neurologist screwed up and by the time he diagnosed me, I was secondary progresive. Thanks alot doc, now I can't walk because you screwed up! How did this happen to me? No one else in my family has this. Lucky me I guess. My knees are getting weaker and I'm scared that I am progressing. Standing up is getting really hard. If I didn't think I would burn in hell, I would kill myself. I wish I could got two days without touching my leg. I am going to try starting this morning. I am now challenging myself. Let's see if I can do it.